I haven’t written on this in a very long time. I didn’t think that writing would be one of the things I want to do -therapeutically or otherwise. I’ve never had any interest in the people who put up long statuses on Facebook, take multiple selfies or tweet or snap or whatever those people do. I’d like to point out that what they say or do on these forms of social media don’t bother me. It is not my life to lead or my story to tell. What does bother me is those who do it for the attention. Voicing a problem they have on social media is what I would call idiocy. What happens is this.
- Status etc. put up
- Likes and comments start arriving
- Most of these comments will be either ‘what’s up hun?’, ‘Everything will be ok’ or ‘give me a ring, I’m worried’.
- The status creator then proceeds to tell the people what’s up but in the most cryptic way possible.
Eh presto they have an entourage rallying around them to support them. This is all well and good but everyday when I see one of these, I always thing that they are demeaning the struggles of others. I’m not saying they don’t have struggles but this flippancy is what makes it so hard for people with real issues to come forward and tell their stories.
I know what it can be like. Feeling ignored and distant from the world but still needing that recognition. Recognition of your pain. When you lose someone or your life changes drastically it changes you. You change but the world does not. Your life is agony but the world goes on. The sun rises and sets everyday despite the pain you are feeling. Maybe these people find solace in telling the world their problems. Who is to say the world is bothered by it but it gives you hope that someone, anyone who reads it will stop and think. For that moment, to that person their pain means something. They are recognised by something more than a picture but a person with hopes and dreams, sadness and anger and for that moment the world has stopped.
There are many times during my grief that I looked at all of my friends on Facebook like to message them and say ‘ Look here, stop putting up all the smiley, happy pictures with all of your friends and family…you make me sick!’ Of course I have never said that nor would I think of actually saying that! I feel the jealously and anger rushing through my veins. Why did MY mother have to die? Why do THEY still have a mother daughter relationship and I don’t? What would life be like if she lived? I think of all the moments I was looking forward to sharing with my mother. Graduations, wedding dress shopping, babies and everything in between is gone. In one short moment my life went from stable to incredibly shaky.
I don’t like being angry with people. It’s not their fault she died. It’s not their fault my children won’t have a grandmother. I live in sadness, anger and denial. My younger more innocent and happy self is locked up inside, along with my lost hopes and dreams of the future had Mama lived. It is as if a part of me is dead. My 17 year old self had to distorted herself to become who I am today. If I continued as the positive thinker I was I think I may have curled into a ball and dies myself. I am trying so hard to regain that part of me again but I don’t think I can.
I suppose this is why I’m writing this. I have a lot to say, not to say it will be any good but still. This is not a Facebook status or a tweet so I can safely (I hope) write down all these things that bother me, keep me up at night and maybe a bit of politics too! Ok. Go! 🙂