Today

Do you every get that nauseous feeling in your stomach? Just pure dread along with a splitting headache and horror. Apparently this is called anxiety. So this must mean I suffer from constant anxiety. For example when plans get changed or my hopes are dashed that’s when it sets in. Or sometimes it can stop me from doing anything. The other me- the worrying, paranoid, self conscious me takes over ruins absolutely everything. One hitch, one problem pushes me  over the edge. I know this sounds neurotic and well, according to one of those do-it-yourself tests I am neurotic. When this happens to me I try to pull my hair out, I do everything possible to make myself as difficult and angry as I can and even consider self harm. It’s my self sabotage. We all have our ways of doing that but mine is over thinking EVERYTHING. Oh, I mean everything- from what I should say, do, if I do something ‘weird’ what will people say or do or react? I think of scenarios that might never come to be and what would happen if it did happen. Death for some reason often occupies my mind. What would I do if I lost another person I love? Thinking about these things makes me feel guilty…. I’m thinking about someone dying? Then you become disgusted with yourself. Why would anyone want to be around me? I’m a self destructive, depressing oddball who can’t seem to get out of her own head? I just want to know that someone feels this too? That I’m not the only lost person here? Let’s be honest with ourselves because I am trying to be. 

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