It’s not that I’m looking for love. I’m not looking for the whole soppy flower giving thing. It’s simple. Acceptance. In my life for some reason acceptance is something I’ve always craved. In school, in my group of friends….everywhere. I’m not really sure why but it’s always been a fear. What if he thinks I’m not worth the effort? Am I too difficult and fucked up? I know that people should never use the words ‘fucked up’ to describe themselves but on the days when my emotions change every two seconds it’s very hard to come to any conclusion as to who or what you are. Sometimes that’s the only thing you can say as Christian Grey said in fifty shades of grey ‘I’m fifty shades of fucked up’. When you don’t know who you are from one day to the next how can you commit yourself to love? Any love for that matter, not just the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing. How can you feel any love if you are immune to it? Is it because I call myself ‘fucked up’? I’ve heard and I know people who swear by it ,that until you except yourself as you really and truly are you can not except love. We all go searching for the rom-com version of love. Tall, dark and handsome. Is it real? Is the real love story the acceptance of yourself? We as a human race search for things that fill the gap….money, drugs, drink. sex, clothes, anything and everything. Why? Honestly I understand why. Sometimes life is hard to bare. You lose the will to live, to experience life as you should. Self limitations become obstacles that control your life. We run away from love. We live lives that ar barely livable. Is love supposed to make that worth while? Or is it just supposed to fill another gap? A gap caused by our own self hatred and disgust?
Maybe in fact I need acceptance from myself not others. Open myself up to opportunities. Love. Laugh. Live.