Not A Facebook Status!

I haven’t written on this in a very long time. I didn’t think that writing would be one of the things I want to do -therapeutically or otherwise. I’ve never had any interest in the people who put up long statuses on Facebook, take multiple selfies or tweet or snap or whatever those people do. I’d like to point out that what they say or do on these forms of social media don’t bother me. It is not my life to lead or my story to tell. What does bother me is those who do it for the attention. Voicing a problem they have on social media is what I would call idiocy. What happens is this.

  1. Status etc. put up
  2. Likes and comments start arriving
  3. Most of these comments will be either ‘what’s up hun?’, ‘Everything will be ok’ or ‘give me a ring, I’m worried’.
  4. The status creator then proceeds to tell the people what’s up but in the most cryptic way possible.

Eh presto they have an entourage rallying around  them to support them. This is all well and good but everyday when I see one of these, I always thing that they are demeaning the struggles of others. I’m not saying they don’t have struggles but this flippancy is what makes it so hard for people with real issues to come forward and tell their stories.

I know what it can be like. Feeling ignored and distant from the world but still needing that recognition. Recognition of your pain. When you lose someone or your life changes drastically it changes you. You change but the world does not. Your life is agony but the world goes on. The sun rises and sets everyday despite the pain you are feeling. Maybe these people find solace in telling the world their problems. Who is to say the world is bothered by it but it gives you hope that someone, anyone who reads it will stop and think. For that moment, to that person their pain means something. They are recognised by something more than a picture but a person with hopes and dreams, sadness and anger and for that moment the world has stopped.

There are many times during my grief that I looked at all of my friends on Facebook like to message them and say ‘ Look here, stop putting up all the smiley, happy pictures with all of your friends and family…you make me sick!’ Of course I have never said that nor would I think of actually saying that! I feel the jealously and anger rushing through my veins. Why did MY mother have to die? Why do THEY still have a mother daughter relationship and I don’t? What would life be like if she lived? I think of all the moments I was looking forward to sharing with my mother. Graduations, wedding dress shopping, babies and everything in between is gone. In one short moment my life went from stable to incredibly shaky.

I don’t like being angry with people. It’s not their fault she died. It’s not their fault my children won’t have a grandmother. I live in sadness, anger and denial. My younger more innocent and happy self is locked up inside, along with my lost hopes and dreams of the future had Mama lived. It is as if a part of me is dead. My 17 year old self had to distorted herself to become who I am today. If I continued as the positive thinker I was I think I may have curled into a ball and dies myself. I am trying so hard to regain that part of me again but I don’t think I can.

I suppose this is why I’m writing this. I have a lot to say, not to say it will be any good but still. This is not a Facebook status or a tweet so I can safely (I hope) write down all these things that bother me, keep me up at night and maybe a bit of politics too! Ok. Go! 🙂

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Unforgettable

Do you ever wonder if anyone remembers you? Are you the one that is easily forgotten? Put away in a little box at the back of peoples mind. I for one have always felt this way. I have always felt half- baked or partly recognised. I am the half of someone. My nose, my mouth, my hair and my mannerisms. I am half of a person gone. Is that the reason why? Am I unaware of the feeling I give people? The feeling of uncertainty. Do they mention these attributes or silently try to identify who I am. I often fade. Fade into the backgroud and find it hard to make my way out. I am a person that has to emphasis on their existence. Many people would think me loud or a person who has too much to say. I have always found it hard to find my place. Maybe it’s because I spent my childhood hiding under tables and beds trying not be seen. Maybe it’s because my sister was the one that needed the most attention. I have now stopped fighting with myself. I am me. I may be forgettable and quiet but I don’t live to be in the limelight. I am not destined to be a person who goes on stage and tells their problems to the world. I am the lighting woman, the woman that pulls the curtains at intermission and I am the person who is behind the scenes.

I am tired of this way of live though. I have been told that I am a natural born leader. I don’t know if that’s true or not. When on my own I do become a different person. I am the person who can get attention, the person that apparently inspires others. I am unaware of this ‘enticement’ I create. I don’t know who I am or why I am on this planet but I do know that I have to stop being hard on myself and open up to all the great things in life.

Ignorance is bliss

As a child I had all these great dreams of where I would go and what I would do. I was very fortunate to have the opportunity to travel as much as I did as a child. If you traveled then you know the sort of obsession that develops. You have to see more. You have to see every nook and cranny of every village, town, city and country. No stone can be left unturned. I knew that to immerse yourself into that countries culture you had to talk to the locals, try their national dish and just enjoy every bit of it- every piece of history, art and food they had to offer.

As a child I believed that money grew on trees. Mama and Dada had all the money in the world because it grew in a big wood behind our house. I would be able to travel around forever with them because they were my best friends. They loved travelling just as much as I did. When Mama passed away my dreams came to an end. My dreams of travelling and experiencing new things had died with her. I hoped that my curiosity and need for adventure would continue- traits I’d like to think I got from her.

Fast forward six years and I am doing a TEFL course. I have finally got that fire back in me. I want to be able to tell amazing stories to my grandchildren about where I went and who I met. I now know that travelling takes money- lots of money. It may take me a few years to go everywhere I want to go but I now know that every single sight and experience is worth its weight in gold.

So we’ll see where I end up. If I do TEFL who knows, I might be going around Asia for a year. How amazing would that be?

Love Yourself

It’s not that I’m looking for love. I’m not looking for the whole soppy flower giving thing. It’s simple. Acceptance. In my life for some reason acceptance is something I’ve always craved. In school, in my group of friends….everywhere. I’m not really sure why but it’s always been a fear. What if he thinks I’m not worth the effort? Am I too difficult and fucked up? I know that people should never use the words ‘fucked up’ to describe themselves but on the days when my emotions change every two seconds it’s very hard to come to any conclusion as to who or what you are. Sometimes that’s the only thing you can say as Christian Grey said in fifty shades of grey ‘I’m fifty shades of fucked up’. When you don’t know who you are from one day to the next how can you commit yourself to love? Any love for that matter, not just the whole boyfriend and girlfriend thing. How can you feel any love if you are immune to it? Is it because I call myself ‘fucked up’? I’ve heard and I know people who swear by it ,that until you except yourself as you really and truly are you can not except love. We all go searching for the rom-com version of love. Tall, dark and handsome. Is it real? Is the real love story the acceptance of yourself? We as a human race search for things that fill the gap….money, drugs, drink. sex, clothes, anything and everything. Why? Honestly I understand why. Sometimes life is hard to bare. You lose the will to live, to experience life as you should. Self limitations become obstacles that control your life. We run away from love. We live lives that ar barely livable. Is love supposed to make that worth while? Or is it just supposed to fill another gap? A gap caused by our own self hatred and disgust?

Maybe in fact I need acceptance from myself not others. Open myself up to opportunities. Love. Laugh. Live.

My poems- part 1

I have finally decided to publish my poems on my blog….these are things I write when I’m having a tough time. I call them my ‘angry at the world’ poems. Ok so no judging! I am new to this whole poem thing…there is no rhyming or repetition it’s just how I feel.

The darkness never leaves,

I am the darkness,

My body fights the cold, rain and snow but I do have my moments of sunshine.

The darkness surrounds me,

Rarely the blood soaks through

Rivers and streams,

Spider web shapes and gaping holes,

Empty and hollow, much like my soul.

People don’t know when darkness harbors the soul,

Like decaying bodies, the darkness eats away at the soul, unable to function it begins to die.

Slowly and painfully without dignity, wastes away.

You can’t feel, just indifference and emptiness,

You search for any anger or pain but it has finally run out,

Through the pores of your skin seeps hatred, corrupting any hopes or dreams.

The sickness accompanies comfort,

Unease and disgust,

I thought I could control it, become the person I always wanted to be.

I sit here and listen to the voices, past and present,

In the past I am comforted by words said lovingly,

The present feels distant and cold

Underachieving.

I purge at the thoughts of human interaction,

Sickness and fear engulf me,

I am that little girl again

Afraid of failure and disappointment.

The stench of lies and bitterness,

It follows me through all walks of life making me incapable o open up or let anyone in,

I would like to cut out that part of me that dies at each interval.

I hate the feelings of vulnerability,

Open sores and salt,

Each one crisp and fresh,

Vomit my stomach up,

Feelings of incapability and stupidity.

That was the hardest thing I have ever written in this blog! I am now truly vulnerable! P.S I am 🙂

Daily Prompt

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Daily Prompt- When’s the last time you followed your instinct despite not being sure it was the right thing to do? Did it end up being the right call?

Honestly all of my decisions have been through instinct.

I don’t listen to people! I listen to my gut….my inner person. I know it sounds all wooga wooga but that’s it!

Well have they always been right? Am for college and courses I definitely made the right calls! It may have taken me a while to figure things out but I do and I’m glad that I didn’t listen to anyone else. Sometimes people push an idea on you but just like everything else you need to decide for yourself.

Other things….maybe not! Well as I have mentioned before I have what I think is an anxiety disorder so that stops me from doing an awful lot of things. It’s my gut saying ‘NO NO RUN!’ So for things like going out when I know it would be great my gut betrays me! Is that my gut or my head that rules in those situations? As far as love, God help me but I’m hopeless. My gut says go on go on and my head again says RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!

How do you know if anything is the right call? I say go with the gut and wait it out!

Sleep deprived!

When did I become that person that people tip toe around? Like last night my friend got upset about the anniversary of her grannys death coming up. She started to cry but then stopped and looked at me and said ‘I feel bad now because your mother is dead and here I am crying about my granny’. To which I said you don’t have to feel bad for crying, it doesn’t matter to me at this stage. Was that cold? Have I become the cold hearted bitch that’s so rash and judgmental that no one can say anything to me? That’s what hurts me most. The fact that I am seen as this THING. A dark black thing.

Like today I went to the doctor. I have tonsillitis and I was told that I would need to have them taken out. I rung my sister and she of course began to give out to me about how I sleep in awkward places and my diet isn’t that good. I’m a student. I don’t know what student can afford a gourmet dinner everyday but I know I can’t. That’s beside the point. I snapped at her. I was sick of everyone nagging at me. I am in the thick of college work and my head is kinda gone. I’m so stressed I can barely sleep at night. I’m barely eating and getting next to no exercise. I also recently had a fight with my housemate. She wrote me a note- explaining to me that I was extremely dirty (which I am not!). Cheers.

Not only that but it was my mothers birthday last week. She passed away four years ago….need I say more?

No sisterly love

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Daily Prompt- How would you get along with your sibling(s), parent(s), or any other person you’ve known for a long time — if you only met them for the first time today?

I was speaking to my sister last night on the phone and I read out this daily prompt. We both starting laughing and agreed that we would definitely not be able to get on if we met for the first time today.

There are three years between my sister and myself. My sister is very energetic and intelligent. She loves long debates about space and time and doesn’t believe in the concept of global warming. She can be very childish and stubborn. She is the type of person that you could only handle in small doses. She comes out with the weirdest things and expects people to understand what she is saying! She is obsessed with her weight and constantly complains about her work. Although she can be annoying, her energy and enthusiasm is infectious. On a night out she is one of those people that one would be glad to be near. She is very funny and she’s not afraid to go a bit mad. She is incredibly trustworthy and kind. On the flip side she can lose her temper at any time which is very frightening! I love her so much but despite this we would not be able to be friends!

When I was younger there was a big difference between herself and myself. You know there is a big difference between 10 and 13. Teenager and child. Boy-obsessed and barbie obsessed. She was impossible to understand. As we became older though the age gap began to lessen. We became even closer after our mother passed away. We may not have dealt or be dealing with it in the same way but we understood each other. I found that we became very alike after that!

So today if we were to meet she would not be my favorite person! I am quite and shy. I am not social butterfly and find it very hard to be myself in front of people, especially ones that would be as straight-forward as my sister! I can be so shy and awkward at times that people think I’m stuck up! My sister defiantly wouldn’t like me! I’m stubborn and somewhat uncompromising in my behavior so I think we would be at loggerheads! In personality we wouldn’t be friends but I would like to think our interests and dislikes would build a connection. We are both obsessed with music and books. We like the strangest of music which people would call ‘alternative’. I like a good who-done-it book and she likes them too! Our dislikes are similar. We hate liars, fakers, backstabbers and wannabes, but I don’t think anyone likes them! Then I look at the other side, upon meeting would we believe that the other was a faker? This is the part that interests me. What would the first impression be?

I love my sister. I wouldn’t change her for the world and I am glad we are close now. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her(don’t tell her that!). She is always the first person I call if something strange, weird or wonderful happens to me and vice versa. Purely for this daily prompt I will own up and say that if we met for the first time today there would be nothing close to sisterly love between us!

The Prince and The Pauper

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Daily Prompt: A second #RoyalBaby will soon be joining the Windsors in England. Given the choice, would you rather be heir to the throne, or the (probably) off-the-hook sibling?

To be honest I don’t think I would like to be either. Upon getting obsessed with the programme The Tudors and Henry VIII I pondered this question. I looked at how becoming the heir of the throne after his older brother died had affected him. He went from being the ‘off-the-hook sibling’ to ruling the country and marrying his brothers widow. So I made a list of pros and cons of each!

Heir:  Pros: 1. You get to make a difference

2. In the case of Henry VIII you can get any woman you want!

3. You have riches and unlimited power

4. Everyone loves you and gives you everything you desire.

Cons1. There are extremely high expectations!

2.   You become very big headed despite your hopes that you will stay down to earth and keep in tune with the ‘normal people’.

3.  You are expected to have an heir( in Henry VIIIs case he was obsessed and had an awful time getting one!)

4. You become power mad!

5. You are loved to your face but in reality you are hated by many! For example King Louis XVI of France and Marie Antoinette….well we all know how that ended!

6.  You have to protect your country, maintain peace and keep everyone happy.

7. You have to be the perfect leader, a good man, husband, economist,  be friendly and basically inhuman!

8. For your whole life you groomed to be King or Queen

9.You are a puppet- you are manipulated and used

10. You have to marry a Princess or someone of royal or noble blood. Things have changed though with Prince William marrying Kate.

11. You can’t go out in public in tracksuit bottoms and a hoodie.

12. Publicity and reputation is everything

As you can see there are more cons then pros. I believe that nurture has a lot to with becoming a good King or Queen for that matter. For all Queens the heir is the big one. You are not a proper Queen if you do not supply an heir. For Queen Catherine of Aragon this was the reason for her downfall. The obsession of Henry VIII ruined him.

I think what ‘off-the-hook’ sibling means is the second child which of course follows the heir. So here is the pros and cons list:

Pros: 1. You don’t have the pressure of becoming King or Queen.(You have an older sibling for that!)

2. You can be whoever you want

3. You get all the jewels and riches without the expectations

4. You can have a boy or girl it doesn’t matter

5. You can still make a difference- very slight depending on your position in court(yes yes another Henry VIII reference!)

Cons: 1. You’re not as precious as the heir

2. You still have to be a respectable person in society

3. You can still become King or Queen if the heir passes away. For example Henry VIII and King George.

4. You still have to marry a woman who is worthy of being associated with the royal family.

5. You’re a second best

6. You have to do what your brother and sister says because they’re ‘King or Queen’.

That’s it! Those are all the pros and cons I can think of. I think it’s simple to say that the grass is always greener on the other side.

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